Monday, October 17, 2011

With each passing day, I grow less and less human.

More and more like a machine.

Like a plaything: manufactured to fulfill the whims and desires of others.

I feel very little anymore.

There is not much left but this continuously deepening sadness.

This empty hole in my consciousness.

"Stay positive."

"Look on the bright side."

"Your life doesn't have to be this way."

"Focus on the happy things."

"Just enjoy life. Take it one day at a time."

"This does not control you."

You know, you're right.

This does not control me.

This is me.

I have been told my entire life to fight this.

To be strong.

To be "bigger than this."

And I have tried.

For my entire life...

For all of you, I have tried.

But I'm afraid that I must stop and apologize.

Because I don't want to fight anymore.

I am tired.

I am so tired.

I am tired of fighting.

I am tired of maintaining this facade.

I have lost all sense of purpose.

But perhaps I can still serve a function.

So here I am.

I am yours now.

What can I do for you today?

5 comments:

  1. I really wish I could be there for you. I empathize with people a little too much and have the strange notion that I could do something about it.

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  2. So let's talk.

    haydenfennell@gmail.com

    If you're interested, of course. If not, your sentiments are still deeply appreciated.

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  3. Hi Hayden~ Not sure what it is you've been told to fight so hard against, but maybe the secret is to roll with it, instead. Have you tried meditation? It's been proven more effective than medication for a number of issues, and it's a whole lot healthier in the long run. I, too, feel your pain and would like to see you work your way through it. You seem to have many many gifts.

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  4. Hi anonymous. I have tried meditation. In fact, I practice it quite frequently; sometimes even multiple times throughout my day. The trouble with dysthymia (what my therapists think that I've been silently living with for the past twelve years or so), however, is that it causes one to think introspectively pretty much constantly.

    The meditation has a bad habit of enhancing this effect, which is sometimes the exact opposite of what I need.

    And thank you. I appreciate your concern, and if there is anything that can actually be done about all of this, I would like to approach a resolution, as well.

    I just worry that I have become too good at being okay with not being okay.

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  5. Forgive me if I offer more cliches in your general direction, but everyone has a purpose. Especially someone who cares about the world such as yourself. It might get lost and may be exceptionally difficult to find because of what you face...but your purpose will be found. Also, one of the above posters brings up a good point. Maybe instead of confronting this you can roll with the punches? Can't stop the waves from crashing ashore, but you can grab a board and ride them. (Lousy metaphor but I hope it makes the point). If the pull this has over your life is really this strong then fighting it with brute force will be a futile effort - you'll need to be a little more crafty to overcome the obstacles. And you're smart - I bet you'll find a way :)

    Anyway, we're all behind you sir.

    ~SP

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