Friday, September 16, 2011

My medication had stopped working.

This was my fear.

I knew that this was coming.

But to have my concentration taken from me so soon seems...cruel, somehow.

The side effects still linger.

From the time that I wake up in the morning until the few hours before I fall asleep at night, my body screams for me to stop.

And I have listened.

I have tried to stop.

And to my horror, I have come to the realization that, despite all of my efforts towards the contrary, I have developed a chemical dependency on the substance.

I have tried to stop.

But all that I can think about is when I am going to take the next pill.

It consumes my mind.

Even now - little more than three hours into today's allotment - I yearn for the dose.

I tried so hard to avoid this.

I tried so hard to keep this from happening.

But the reality is clear.

I am a fucking drug addict.

And I have no idea what to do.

I hate this new self.

This is pathetic.

I have tried to stop.

But I can not afford to break this now.

Time will not wait for me.

I must find another way.

I can't go back to the way I was.

I can't go back.

I can't.

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