Wednesday, September 21, 2011

For a moment.

I experienced excitement.

For a moment.

I was comfortable.

For a moment.

I was not alone.

But that moment has passed.

Those potentialities are gone.

They are gone.

On the whim of another's decision, they have been taken from me.

This is not what I wanted.

For either of us.

The idea of existing in a reality in which I am no longer permitted to express to her my affection makes me sick to my stomach.

But my wants are irrelevant if they are not mirrored by my surroundings.

I do not get what I want.

This is a simple factuality.

To fight it would be a waste of what little energy that I have left.

I have accepted that.

But that does not make this any easier.

I am alone again.

This emptiness is exactly the reason why I do not make efforts to change the fact that all that I have to anticipate is the howling silence of my desolate apartment.

Or rather, the abrupt respite that I was offered from that emptiness.

That brief flash of understanding.

That feeling of need.

That feeling of worth.

That fleeting glimpse of satisfaction.

They are all gone.

I am alone again.

And "again" is the word that hurts the most.

4 comments:

  1. i don't pretend to know your situation, but i don't understand why you are convinced that you must be alone. what could be so wrong that you are doomed to forever alone status?

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  2. Oh, please don't get me wrong. I am not so arrogant as to believe that I can know my own future.

    I know that I may not always be alone. There may very well be a day when I do find someone with whom I can belong.

    This post was simply a reaction to another recent instance of bad luck.

    ReplyDelete
  3. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Liy53pcAHVc


    Purple is to yellow

    as sunlight is to rain

    Happiness and death you'll find

    loveliness in pain

    ReplyDelete
  4. Interesting.

    Not exactly my usual cup of tea, but that was very relaxing.

    Thanks for the link.

    ReplyDelete