Friday, September 30, 2011

"One cannot use only the light without denying half of all that is."

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

I want to write.

I have a story to tell.

Two of them, in fact.

But every time that I begin to lay ink to the page, my words disappear.

This is ridiculous.

I am so tired of this.

I hate these emotions.

I want them taken out of me.

Monday, September 26, 2011

1 = 0.999...

Just a simple proof. For reference, 0.999... represents 0.999 repeating, non-terminating.


x = 0.999...

10x = 9.999...

10x - x = 9.999... - x

9x = 9

x = 1


0.999... = 1

Sunday, September 25, 2011

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
     - Franklin Delano Roosevelt

And yet...

"Only fools have no fear."
     - Lieutenant Worf of the U.S.S. Starship Enterprise

Frankly, I prefer the wisdom of Star Trek over the wisdom of American politicians any day.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

For a moment.

I experienced excitement.

For a moment.

I was comfortable.

For a moment.

I was not alone.

But that moment has passed.

Those potentialities are gone.

They are gone.

On the whim of another's decision, they have been taken from me.

This is not what I wanted.

For either of us.

The idea of existing in a reality in which I am no longer permitted to express to her my affection makes me sick to my stomach.

But my wants are irrelevant if they are not mirrored by my surroundings.

I do not get what I want.

This is a simple factuality.

To fight it would be a waste of what little energy that I have left.

I have accepted that.

But that does not make this any easier.

I am alone again.

This emptiness is exactly the reason why I do not make efforts to change the fact that all that I have to anticipate is the howling silence of my desolate apartment.

Or rather, the abrupt respite that I was offered from that emptiness.

That brief flash of understanding.

That feeling of need.

That feeling of worth.

That fleeting glimpse of satisfaction.

They are all gone.

I am alone again.

And "again" is the word that hurts the most.

Monday, September 19, 2011

There is no comfort.

Not for me.

There never was.

Never has been.

Perhaps one day there will be.

Perhaps one day my mind will finally drive itself to the point of ruin necessary to admit that I am finished.


But for now, I must know more.

I must never be satisfied with my understanding.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Buddhists are right.

Life is suffering.

So get in the car.

And turn up the bass.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

I can't think.

I can't think.

I can't fucking think.

This is the worst that it has ever been.

I feel like my mind is going to break.

Friday, September 16, 2011

My medication had stopped working.

This was my fear.

I knew that this was coming.

But to have my concentration taken from me so soon seems...cruel, somehow.

The side effects still linger.

From the time that I wake up in the morning until the few hours before I fall asleep at night, my body screams for me to stop.

And I have listened.

I have tried to stop.

And to my horror, I have come to the realization that, despite all of my efforts towards the contrary, I have developed a chemical dependency on the substance.

I have tried to stop.

But all that I can think about is when I am going to take the next pill.

It consumes my mind.

Even now - little more than three hours into today's allotment - I yearn for the dose.

I tried so hard to avoid this.

I tried so hard to keep this from happening.

But the reality is clear.

I am a fucking drug addict.

And I have no idea what to do.

I hate this new self.

This is pathetic.

I have tried to stop.

But I can not afford to break this now.

Time will not wait for me.

I must find another way.

I can't go back to the way I was.

I can't go back.

I can't.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Okay, world.

You win.

You have broken me.

Do with me what you will.

Monday, September 12, 2011

"It's important to be neutral, striving not to strive."

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

This is what we mean by "study."

And this is what we mean by "study hard."

There is no certainty in the future.

Uncertainty is frightening.

It's okay to be scared.

But uncertainty about events that have not yet occurred is just the nature of things.

It is an inherency of the passage of time.

But the future is constant.

It will always be there.

Waiting for us.

The best that we can do is work diligently and maintain hope that perhaps one day, this existence will be better for everyone.

You have no power.

You have no ultimate influence.

You are nothing.

You must recognize your weakness.

Our undeniable weakness.

Accept the fact that the most that you can do is offer yourself completely to your passions.

The things that you enjoy.

The things that drive you to do good in the world.

The things that you understand to be real.

So relax.

Be still.

Live your life for others.

Breathe love into all that you do.

Find the center within yourself.

Calm your mind.

And allow time to pass.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

It hurts.

I know.

I'm sorry.

But time will continue to pass.

You will never get used to the pain.

But you will learn to live through it.

You must learn to live through it.

Please, learn to live through it.

You have so much to offer.

You are so beautiful.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Learn to let go of your previous self.

It no longer exists.

Our potential is our only reality.

Focus not on the person who you have been, but rather on the person who you have not yet become.
People say that to become a better writer, one must write every day.

"Practice makes perfect."

But this is not entirely true.

Writing every day may help improve vocabulary, spelling, and sentence structure.

But it does not improve the writer's voice; the writer's capacity for expression.

Writing every day is not a bad idea.

But one must wait for inspiration.

Writing about nothing does not provoke critical thought.