Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Oh my God, I have never felt more sick.

I hate these pills.

I hate these fucking pills.

I am so tired of having to feel like shit all of the time just so that I can concentrate.

The muscular hypertension in my back and shoulders is excruciating.

The office around me contorts in my peripheral; twisting and bending itself around my computer screen.

I risk vomiting with every inward breath.

My eyes shift in and out of focus.

The muscle spasms come when least expected.

The nervousness is at its most profound.

Even the slightest motion or noise sets me on edge.

I can't eat.

I can't sleep.

I can't do this.

This is the worst that the uptake period has ever been.

To feel like this, and yet be fully functioning.

To smile and walk upright as I fight back the urge to collapse on the floor and weep the discomfort from my body.

It is misery.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't.

It is killing me.

I can't live like this every day anymore.

So why can't I convince myself that this is not worth it?

To know some semblance of order where there was once only chaos...

It is such a small thing in comparison to the agony I glean from the pills.

So why can't I convince myself that this is not worth it?

3 comments:

  1. *hugs*

    I wish I had some incredible advice to give you, but I know nothing about meds of that kind :(.

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  2. Same. I wish I knew of a way to make it better, but unfortunately do not. Perhaps you could talk to your doctor? They might be able to adjust the dosage of medication, or switch them entirely if the side effects are too detrimental to your health or mental well-being. From what you've written it sounds like they very well might be.

    You'll be in my thoughts, sir. I hope you find a way to ease the burden of sickness and discomfort.

    ~SP

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  3. I don't know about taking pills. I've never taken any. I see my brother take pills, but I believe they are different than yours. Nonetheless, they have effects. He gets nauseous, hardly any appetite, and extremely sleepy. To me, he shouldn't be taking that medication, at least not that strong, I don't see him better, if anything, he seems worse... but... I know that it is different for everybody, all medications are different and they work differently with each individual. ..
    I hope you find your answer to "is it worth it" sooner than later.

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