Thursday, July 28, 2011

Vermeil

My hands shake.

Even a task as mundane as holding my pen steady enough to lay ink to the page requires every bit of my muscular focus.

It's almost funny, really.

What good is the somber calmness of my mind if my body simply takes control of itself at the slightest hint of stress?

What good is this internal quiet when my body screams for satisfaction?

What good is this still reflection when all that I want to do is stand up and run until the spasming of my muscles cracks my ribs?

What good am I?

What good have I ever done?

Why do I choose to endure this psychosis in the interest of making myself numerically useful?

Why do I bother to combat the ever-present call of that half empty bottle?

It would be so easy...

It would be so easy to destroy this life.

It would be so easy to disassemble what I have built.

It would be so easy.

The tools are all right here in front of me, contained within the clutch of my fingertips, on ice.

Just one more sip...

It would be so easy...

One more sip.

One more slip of the knife.

One more inch off of this windy ledge until gravity overtakes the hesitation.

One more unit of angular acceleration; one more ounce of force against the sides of these wheels to break the friction beneath these tires and send the bitter kinesthesia of my desire spinning over the guardrails of this unwanted purpose.

One more hollow casing ejected from the chamber of this smoking firearm.

Just one more sip.

The power is more intoxicating than the substance itself.

That unbridled control over something; anything.

It would be so easy.

So why do I fight it?

Why do I continue to deprive myself so that I may concentrate on living?

Why do I continue to give up the things that I love so that I may continue to fight away these dark compulsions?

Why can't I just give in?

Why can't I allow myself that critical moment of weakness?

Why can't I lose hope?

Why are you still worth it?

I will never even fucking know you.

Why are you still worth it?

Monday, July 25, 2011

Let go of your anger.

Realize that anger originates within the self.

It is not provoked by others.

You are the only person who can own your pain.

The acceptance of this will set upon your mind a calmness rivaled only by the silence of oblivion.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

You are the purveyor of your own belief.

Desire more to improve the self than to influence external circumstances, and you will always have a reason to hope.

Only through the filter of your own understanding can you come to understand others.

Saturday, July 23, 2011




Friday, July 22, 2011

As you are reading this, somebody, somewhere, is dying.

Just think about that for a moment.

Somebody out there is dying.

Someone is dying.

And someone is being born.

Someone is arguing with a friend.

Someone is searching for food.

Someone is buying new clothing.

Someone is fighting for a cause.

Someone is carefully aiming a firearm.

Someone is running.

Someone is having sex.

Someone is opening a resaurant.

Someone is boarding an airplane.

Someone is experiencing something for the first time.

Someone is dying.

Someone out there is living an entire life cycle that you will never see.

Someone out there is living an entire life cycle of which you will never have any knowledge.

Someone out there is living an entire life cycle of which you will never be a part.

As you read this, somebody out there is dying.

Just think about that for a moment.

We are so unimaginably small.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I thought that I would post a podcast of sorts tonight. I recorded a lot of study sessions with my friends this past semester, and this is a recording that I took during a Kinematics homework session with a couple of friends of mine this past semester that I am just now getting around to posting.

Just a heads up, it's not exactly safe for work, so make sure that you have head phones on if you are in a place where a little swearing here and there is unacceptable.

Otherwise, this is what engineering students get up to late at night. Enjoy.

Kinematics, March 2nd, 2011
(To download to hard disk, right click and "save target as.")

Weekend in Columbia



Antique shopping in Columbia


Asian market weirdness

Monday, July 18, 2011

I will post a thing here soon.

I promise.

I have a video in the works.

Busy busy busy busy busy.

Friday, July 15, 2011

I am going to Columbia this weekend to look at apartments for next semester.

Also, for the next few days, I am going to be working on some potential guest post entries for my friends Tabs, Jess, and Ms. Elle over at 20 Something Bloggers, so my personal writing for the next week or so is likely to be fairly sparse. I also have some long-form pieces that have reached a fairly completed phase on my mind's page, and I would like to try to take some time to really sit down and start working those out on actual paper so that I can maybe get the ball rolling on a few projects of my own before my last semester starts up in full.

However, due to my recent purchasing of a practical and fashionable new messenger bag the video camera and my voice recorder go with me everywhere now, so I will be posting some pictures, video, and hopefully audio in the place of my typical writing.

I will be producing at least some sort of remedial content during this pseudo-hiatus, and although the pages of my Moleskine have been more tantalizing than ever lately, I actually wouldn't mind a little break from the pen to try out some new sorts of things with our more modern mediums.

So keep an eye out.

I'll be around.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

I was going to write something tonight, but I am absolutely exhausted. So here's a video of my cat, instead.




Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Oh my God, I have never felt more sick.

I hate these pills.

I hate these fucking pills.

I am so tired of having to feel like shit all of the time just so that I can concentrate.

The muscular hypertension in my back and shoulders is excruciating.

The office around me contorts in my peripheral; twisting and bending itself around my computer screen.

I risk vomiting with every inward breath.

My eyes shift in and out of focus.

The muscle spasms come when least expected.

The nervousness is at its most profound.

Even the slightest motion or noise sets me on edge.

I can't eat.

I can't sleep.

I can't do this.

This is the worst that the uptake period has ever been.

To feel like this, and yet be fully functioning.

To smile and walk upright as I fight back the urge to collapse on the floor and weep the discomfort from my body.

It is misery.

I can't keep doing this.

I can't.

It is killing me.

I can't live like this every day anymore.

So why can't I convince myself that this is not worth it?

To know some semblance of order where there was once only chaos...

It is such a small thing in comparison to the agony I glean from the pills.

So why can't I convince myself that this is not worth it?

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Asheville Weekend

I went to Asheville, NC with my family this past weekend. It's a cool place. I'd spend a bunch of time talking about it, but really we just walked around downtown and went to some art studios. So here's some videos instead:


We stopped by the visitor's center to get a map and look up hotels because every member of my family refuses to buy a GPS. The visitor center itself was unnecessarily nice.



Then we went downtown. There was a drum circle and some dancing hippies.



After it started to get dark, the street performers hit the downtown area full-force. There were musicians on just about every street corner. I ran out of tips and had to stop taking video, but here are a couple of the highlights.


As is the case with most people, I don't like spiders.


The next day we went to a bunch of open art studios and talked to some of the artists while we were there. There was a lot of really interesting art on display, but the only video I managed to get was of me helping a June bug.


Then we ended up at an antique store. It was all just junk, really, except for one rather strange item...

All in all, it was a good trip. I had a nice time, and I enjoyed being in a town with a strong artistic community and "downtown" culture for a change. There's really not a whole lot to say about the trip, as we mostly just walked around the area and took in the atmosphere. I did get a new pair of Vibram Fivefingers while I was there, and they are the most ballin' thangs ever

This is my second pair of Vibrams, and although I love the way my other pair feels, I have to say that these blow my old ones out of the water. I tried to take a picture of them on my feet to include with this post, but for some reason my ankles looked fat and out of proportion in every shot, so here's a link to the webpage instead. The only bad thing about them is that I can not wear them at work, so I unfortunately can not experience their most supreme coziness while I slave away at my computer.

Those of you who have never owned a pair of Fivefingers should seriously consider looking into it. They are a bit on the expensive side, and getting yourself properly sized can be a little tricky, but once you find the pair for you and get them broken in, they are worth every damn penny.

Monday, July 11, 2011

If you are reading this, I want to say that I am sorry.

I am sorry to have gone on about you the way that I have.

I know it seems juvenile, to have developed such a strong attachment after only two months with you.

It's ridiculous to me, too.

But that does not make this longing any less real.

I miss you.

I really do.

You understood me in ways that nobody ever had before we met, and there has been no one since.

In the two months that we had together, you knew me better than any of my oldest friends.

I know that your feelings for me were likely never as strong as my feelings for you.

The way that you left hurt.

It really hurt.

But I understand.

It would be a lie to say that I don't want you back.

I would do anything to look into your eyes again.

But that is only in my own interest.

I am glad that you got out of this place.

I am glad that you were able to go on and live out your dreams and desires.

As much as it pains me to say it, I am glad that you left.

You would not have been happy with me.

I could have never asked you to stay.

I still miss you.

My desire to be with you is still one of the most powerful emotions that I have ever experienced.

I know that these sentiments are no longer relevant to you and your new life.

But I want you to know that I'm sorry.

The way that I have carried on about this has not been fair to either of us.

This is the last entry that I will ever make about you.

I don't want to talk about us anymore.

I wish you the best for the future, and I hope that your happiness carries you through the rest of your days as it did throughout the short period during which I had the privilege of knowing you.

I'm sorry.

I am finished.
I am willing to discuss anything with anyone with an open mind.

The type of intellectual who shuts others out simply because they are ignorant of a subject matter is, in my opinion, more foolish than anyone lacking an understanding of the material may seem.

The next time that you are tempted to call somebody "stupid," remember this:

The world has never benefited from elitism of any kind.

Sunday, July 10, 2011


Testing my new camera out. Yes, I know that my hands are always in my hair. It's in that awkward "won't stay out of your face no matter what you do" phase.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

NASA will be launching its final space shuttle, Atlantis, tomorrow at 11:26 a.m.

The space shuttle program is coming to an end tomorrow, and nobody cares.

I don't expect everyone to care as much as I do.

I never have.

I've understood for a long time that the things that fascinate me to the point of troubled breathing are not always fascinating to other people.

But I do feel like this is more important than the Casey Anthony trial.

Or the relentless stories about the man who was mauled by a bear in Yellowstone national park.

It's a tragedy; it really is.

But when you go to a place where bears reside, sometimes you might just encounter a bear.

Let me reiterate:

The space shuttle program is coming to an end tomorrow, and nobody cares.

I could just cry.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Dilemma:

Beer or tea.

Solution:

Beer and tea.

Result:

Shame and regret.
There will come a time when people will pay for coal with diamonds.

There will come a time when oil will be so scarce that it's obtainment will no longer even be worth killing each other.

There will come a time when energy will become one of the most valuable commodities that the world has ever known.

Unless we can get over ourselves now and start working harder towards viable solutions for the future.

Windmills and solar panels are nice.

But they are not enough.

There will come a time when we will sit down and say one of two things.

"This is what we have been preparing ourselves for all of these years. We are ready for this."

Or.

"We really should have prepared ourselves better for this all of these years. We are not ready for this."

We need to get over our dependence on fossil fuels.

They are not going to last forever.

This should be obvious.

We need to get over ourselves.

We need to work together, and get over ourselves.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Just one day.

One day without the persistence of these memories.

One day without the recollection of the unprecedented energy that I felt in her presence.

Just one day.

Is that really too much to ask?

Friday, July 1, 2011

For What It's Worth

Each and every one of you is so tremendously beautiful.

Each and every one of you is so passionately loved.

How do I know?

Because, for what little it may be worth, I love you.

I love you so much.

Each and every one of you.

Fill your lungs with air.

Breathe deep, this fluid of life.

Think your thoughts.

Allow your troubles to be real.

Calm your mind.

Carry on.

You are never alone.

You are meaningful.

You are loved.

And you are beautiful.

Never forget that.