Monday, June 20, 2011

That part of my life is over.

That part of my life ended with her.

No, I never got over it.

No, I don't want to talk about her.

No, there's not "somebody out there for me."

No, I'm not a naive and bitter young man.

No, I don't want to move on and find somebody else.

No, It's not healthy.

Now please, leave me alone to my science.

My happiness is not important to me.

But my potential to contribute is.

I don't expect anyone to want this.

This thing that I have become.

So please, just leave me alone to my science.

7 comments:

  1. Reading this makes me sad, every one has worth and whilst you feel your only worth is academically right now, the doors that will open will bring you more joy than you could ever imagine.

    Don't give up on yourself yet. Enjoy your study for now and everything else will fall into place around it.

    Whether you choose to believe or listen to that is entirely up to you.

    P.S. No-one is ever worth making you feel this way. Just saying...

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  2. Thank you. Your concern sincerely means a lot to me.

    I'm not giving up, per se. I am open to anything. It would be antithetical to the scientific worldview for an aspiring engineer to have a closed mind about any potentiality.

    I'm open to the idea of somebody else someday finding me interesting enough to tolerate, but I am neither looking for it nor expecting it to happen. I had this sort of understanding and affection very briefly in my life during my time with the infamous "her" about whom I so frequently write.

    I had never experienced peace in the same way as I did when I was with her, and I have not since. I know that it's not impossible for it to happen again with someone else, but I don't know that it's very realistic for me to think that it will, and I certainly don't have the time to go looking for it, especially not right now.

    I am not one to play the victim of my mental disorders, but I have several conditions that dictate that all of my time and energy must be spent on my work if I want to have any chance of keeping up with the field. It is just a fact of my psychology that I must spend more of my already lacking energy than many of my peers on this stuff.

    I made a decision when she left without even saying goodbye that sexual and romantic companionship are not things that I can afford to risk my energy on anymore. If something comes about, then fine, it comes about. I'm okay with that. But I get so tired of people telling me that I "just need to get back out there" and that "I could have any girl that I wanted if I only tried."

    I know that things might "get better" and that everything might one day fall into place. But I also know that they might not, and I feel that this is a potentiality for which I should at least prepare myself.

    Sigh...sometimes I just want to vomit from it all. I'm just a mess. Sorry to unload on your comment like that.

    Frankly, through your comments on the blog so far, you have spoken to me more than most of my "real life" friends have all summer. It's good to know that someone is reading. Energizing, in a way. Thank you.

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  3. In some ways I know how you feel, friend. I have a long and complicated dating history (the name Shane Pilgrim is, of course, a reference to my 7 evil exs)...and when I look back I can't help but wonder how much further ahead of the game I would be, and how much more I could have contributed to the world, if I had spent my time, money, and energy toward more worthwhile pursuits...including taking better care of myself. Everybody's circumstances are different, and sometimes we reach the point where love and romance become somewhat obsolete. Maybe that will change, maybe it won't. In the meantime why worry? Focus on your other pursuits and take life as it comes. At least you're keeping an open mind. That alone will be one of your most important tools.

    I find your blog intriguing. Looking forward to reading more.

    ~SP

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  4. Call me old fashioned, but I believe if anyone could ever destroy someone in the way she has you, then she was never right for you in the first place. Perhaps I have been raised on too many Disney films, perhaps this opinion is borne from naivety or perhaps, actually, it is optimism. But regardless, I truly believe that. It seems to me she treated you with no respect or dignity and every human deserves that.

    "I know that things might "get better" and that everything might one day fall into place. But I also know that they might not, and I feel that this is a potentiality for which I should at least prepare myself".

    That is not an eventuality. Things WILL get better and everything WILL, one day, fall into place. You WILL, at some point, look back on your past relationship and be thankful that she walked out on you because, without that, you would still be a shadow to her, running your life for her and not for yourself, and you will realise that none of the opportunity you now have would have occurred had it been for her (both romantically and otherwise).

    One day you will stand there, with your future in front of you and realise how much you have achieved for having nothing holding you back. Doors will be open to you that never would have been otherwise, and all your barriers will fall down to make way for you to fulfil your potential.

    Trust me on this, I've been there. Your story is very reminiscent of mine...

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  5. Well, it wasn't just her. I've had other bad experiences that only contribute to the fear. And I'll be the first to admit it: a lot of my feelings about this do come from a place of fear. The fear of getting hurt again is obviously there, but there is an even more overwhelming fear of wasting my time, as Shane mentioned. I have so little time as it is that the idea of pumping it into another relationship that could end at any minute because the other decides that I am no longer important to her is a horrifying hurdle to overcome.

    And I know that those sorts of realizations will occur. Some of them already have.

    All that I can do is hope that you are right.

    If you'd ever like to share some of your story, feel free to send me an email at the address listed in the sidebar. Perhaps we can lend to each others' experience.

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  6. That need not be a negative realisation - now your time is your own and your life is yours, you can put all your energy into what really interests you and make the most of that. You said in a recent post that you wanted to carry on to graduate-level study, would you have done that if you were in a relationship? Or would yu have been able to truly do it justice? Who knows what you will achieve now your mind is focussed purely on one thing... that is the amazing freedom you now have to enjoy.

    And anyway, when the right girl comes along, your fears will melt away. Or they will, at least, be worth enduring. (I must stop watching Disney films...)

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  7. ^To piggyback on summer-claire's last statement: when you stop looking for something that is usually when you find it. When you look for love you're searching high and low, you're thinking more and more about it; therefore, you are more apt to settle for less than what you deserve. Focusing upon one's own search for love gives one an aura of desperation. People sense that and it's the best type of repellent for potential romantic partners. It is better to take a step back and focus on improving oneself in order to become someone you can be proud of. Once you have achieved this state of self-actualization you become the person you are meant to be. Your fears and anxieties are lessened because you are a strong independent person...and if someone comes along who is a good fit for you, your relationship moves beyond dependence and independence. You become interdependent.

    So, Oxy, I definitely feel as though you are moving in the right direction. Love will have a place in your life when you decide to make it a priority. Until then you are the master of your own domain.

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