Tuesday, June 21, 2011

The dichotomy between the desires of my body and the desires of my mind is starting to break me.

I can feel my grip weakening.

I can feel the energy accumulate.

I can feel it race around inside of myself, leaving small cracks in my mind as it ricochets from one thought to the next.

And through these cracks like a pressurized vapor, the energy rushes out of me.

I can feel it slip through in my speech.

That hopelessly ruined sentence.

That misplaced word.

That unprovoked lapse into verbal incompetence.

I can feel it slip through in my movements.

That loss of dexterity.

That shaky uncertainty.

That unrelenting restlessness.

I can feel it slip through.

I am losing control.

I need to get out of here.

Out of this place.

I need to get out of myself for a while.

I need time to figure out why this is getting worse.

No...not time.


I need help.

And maybe not even that.

Maybe just...company.

Someone to reach out and touch me from time to time.

Someone to remind me that I am real.

For as long as I can remember, I have been doing this alone.

I have chosen not to impose it upon others against their will.

I have tried to help maintain the peace and tranquility of the happy lives around me.

I have tried not to upset the balance.

I have largely kept this to myself.

And I have come a long way.

It no longer feels dangerous.

It does not frighten me as it did when I was a child.

But I don't know how much longer I can contain these screams.


  1. Hayden,
    I haven't written in a while but have been reading your blog. Getting help is sometimes very worthwhile. Company requires an emotional commitment to someone that may involve more than you want to give right now. I know it's a cliche but relationships/friendships do require maintenance and care. I've had a friendship that was a 12 year friendship. Circumstances changed in my life so that I could not (did not) invest as much time as in the past. I was surprised at how quickly our connection was severed. We are working on restoring that, but it is an effort. I, too, am hesitant to reach out to people who appear to have these "happy lives". I have come to believe that most are smoke and mirrors. I'm not sure how/if I can be company to you, but I would be happy to converse with you more often. If your interested let me know and perhaps email would be better. Either way- you are a gifted young man and are more "real" than most of us- note "us", I am not as forthright about who and what I am as you are. Hang in there!

  2. I would love to talk through email. You are always welcome to contact me through whatever means that you see fit, and I always welcome the opportunity to better get to know my readers.

    I know that relationships of any sort require a lot of work. I try not to make excuses for myself, and I realize that we all must face up to our own shortcomings, but it can be difficult to offer one's self up for emotional connection when most of one's interpersonal energy is spent hiding the overwhelmingly dark aspects of one's character out of fear of scaring the other off. I've had my share of experiences in which I have opened up to people and shared with them my internal struggle with the nature of reality, and almost every time it has gotten to the point where they "just can't take it anymore." Or at least it gets to the point where I have to pull back and "cheer up" because I can feel the friendship going that way.

    And that's not to mention the friends that I have lost because of philosophical and religious differences. I hold a lot of opinions that tend to piss people off for whatever reason, especially in this part of the country. Perhaps it's the fact that I am not apologetic about maintaining beliefs that are not exactly popular around "these parts," but I don't think that people should be. I don't feel like I should have to add an intonation of that "please don't hit me" uncertainty in my voice when discussing my thoughts about controversial issues simply because I am in the minority. But apparently my certainty is misconstrued as arrogance, and exile is seemingly the reward for those who simply tell the truth about what they believe.

    I have had a lot of people walk away from me over these past few years. I am not saying that I never have any fault in the matter; I know that there are times when I am legitimately hard to be around. And don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete gloom all the time, either. I do have a few good friends and there are days when I am light and upbeat, and I like to think that I can, on occasion, be a fun guy. But I always feel like I am hiding something; like I am not really allowed to express certain feelings out of fear of making people uncomfortable. The last thing that I want to do is force my unhappiness onto those around me.

    I would love for people to know my true self. This is going to sound arrogant, but my experience tells me that there have only ever been a select few (and I mean "count-on-one-hand" few) people in my life who have been able to handle it. I don't think that I'm more special or more interesting than anyone else; people just don't want to be sad, and I've never blamed anyone for that. So, as much as it pains me to do so, I keep the "real" me toned down until I am absolutely certain that I am dealing with someone who sincerely wants to share in it and knows what they are getting into.

    I certainly used to be upset about it when I was younger, but I have since realized that human connection is more important to me than I once believed when I was fifteen and angry, and I will do what is necessary to ensure that those connections are maintained. But I still can't help but feel like two different people, which is an emotion that really complicates things when it comes time to question one's own existence.

    Also, for the record, I am currently in therapy to try to start figuring out how to better handle some of this shit.

    I can't thank you enough for listening to me all of this time. Your input and willingness to discuss really mean a lot to me. I think that it is fair to say that anyone who reads my writing and willingly continues to come back for more can easily be considered some of the aforementioned few, even if we never make contact.

    So thank you. I look forward to hearing from you soon. My mind is always open to your thoughts.

  3. Was happy to see your response so quickly. I'm going to spend a little more time reading it, but wanted to say that I am proud of you for the decision to do the therapy. For me, that would have been a difficult decision to follow through with when I was your age. Look forward to "talking" with you again soon!