Saturday, May 14, 2011

I have tried very hard to be a "good" person.

To live a successful life by societal standards.

I have tried to be a good friend.

I have tried to be a good lover.

I have tried to be many things to many people.

I have sacrificed many things born of my own impulsive desires so that I may continue to live my life for others.

So please, just let me have my occasional cigarette.

Let me have my occasional drink.

Please, let me at least have this.


  1. Try being good to yourself--work on finding meaning in your own life. The rest will follow naturally. When you are clear within yourself, your direction and boundaries will be clear to everyone else that matters. You'll still be asked to bend to other's wishes, but you won't be expected to sacrifice your own needs. People know you are drifting and are taking advantage. It's not cigs and drinks you need, but a sense of purpose.

  2. I'm sorry. You deserve more of a response than that. I hate when people leave a one word reply to a well-written and thoughtful comment, and here I am having done it myself. This blog has been running a bit dry for me lately (although I have had a resurgence of writing energy within the past couple of days), and I've been wondering lately if my writing is still relevant to anyone, so your comment means a lot.

    I understand that my loved ones just want what's "best for me," and part of what is best for me, I suppose, is not engaging in what is generally regarded as self-destructive behavior. I do appreciate the concern from people, but I think that, on a whole, I have these things on the right shelf.

    I partake in tobbaco very rarely. Maybe two or three times a month on average. It is something that I really just enjoy doing, but I know that excessive use is detrimental to one's health, and I've been very careful to avoid developing any sort of dependency. I do partake in alcoholic beverages a bit more often, but primarily because they are delicious (if you haven't yet, check out my other blog at I have only been drunk a few times in my life and even then not excessively so.

    My problem comes from people too quickly assuming that I am using these things as a crutch. Now, I understand that being a child of the 90s means that most of the people my age grew up being told that if you have even a single cigarette you are going to die immediately and that people who use them are weak-minded individuals who have made poor life decisions. However, I know that a lot of the time it really is genuine concern being expressed, but I feel like I should be able to engage in the occasional "less than healthy" indulgence without being pressured by our social stigmas to feel like a terrible person.

    I am a very careful person, and I've spent the last ten years or so building up a good deal of self control. My myriad of mental...imperfections has dictated this as a necessity. I likely would have stopped caring and thrown my life away years ago, otherwise.

    But I acknowledge that in building and maintaining this sense of focused responsibility, some of the enjoyment of life is certainly lost. It would indeed be nice to find some meaning again. Striking a balance between enjoying myself and maintaining control has proven to be one of the most difficult challenges in my life so far, and if I could once again feel like the struggle was worth something, it would probably make things a bit easier to handle.

    I must admit that you've had me thinking these past few days. I already spend a lot of time considering purpose and the beauty of life, but the nagging of the dismisive pessimism of my previous and inconsiderate comment have opened up some interesting channels of thought.

    Whoever you are, I owe you my thanks.