Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Nausea, heaviness of the chest, ocular muscle spasms, lightheadedness, lack of appetite, lack of libido, nervousness, increased heart rate, abdominal discomfort, dry mouth.

Increased ability to concentrate.

Sigh...deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Monday, May 30, 2011

There are, on occasion, times when I suddenly remember that Nujabes is dead and I become very sad.

The world lost one of its most brilliant musical minds on February 26, 2010.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

It is okay to not be happy.

Unhappiness is the only catalyst for change.

Unhappiness is the only way to grow.

In any sentient population, the unhappiness of some insures the happiness of the rest.

Monday, May 23, 2011

I had the most intense dream of my entire life last night.

And that is not hyperbole.

I have had "unconscious hallucinations" before.

At least that's what the doctors called them.

I have hallucinated mind-wrenching physical sensations into my own nerves in my sleep; manifested the most unsettling imagery permanently into my retinas.

And none of them have ever come close to the intensity of last night's dark reverie.

It was strange, really.

I experienced a brief period of consciousness every twenty minutes or so, becoming aware of my surroundings just in time to be plunged back into the eternal unlight of this fantasy realm.

The disorientation pressed sharp against my mind.

A prisoner of my own thoughts; aware of my dual existence.

Each reality more real in the context of the other.

Not sure how to break out.

Or if I even wanted...


I awoke this morning shaking, coughing, sick to my stomach, and pleading with my alarm clock.

"No no no. Please. Don't do this. I need to know."

It was not until after a moment's hesitation that I realized that it, by its very nature, could not hear me.
The only thing keeping me from losing my mind right now is the time that I spend driving my car.

The resistance of the clutch pedal is a feeling that belittles all others.

The vibrations transmitted into my hands and feet are so full of information.

There is no feeling more satisfying than that of being pushed back into your seat by the acceleration of a well-executed shift.

Driving is what I have right now.

I will make the most of it.

Friday, May 20, 2011

"Take happiness as it comes, and don't wish for more than you are given. Imagine the happiness of knowing that you do not necessarily require happiness."

- Anonymous

Majora's Apropos Mask

There are people, that is to say actual human beings, who are out there spending their life savings right now because they have seriously been convinced that the world is going to end tomorrow.

Peoples' lives, families, and well-being are going to be ruined.

This is what unquestioning faith does to people.

This is why I live a life of scientific inquiry.

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

I feel so much better about myself when I am productive.

I feel so much better about myself when I am on the medication.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Are we contributing to global warming?

Yes, we are.

Is our contribution a primary cause of the greenhouse effect?

We're not sure.

But global warming is almost a non-issue in comparison to the impending fuel/energy crisis.

If we continue as we are, we are going to face an energy crisis within the next century.

Those who would have you believe otherwise do not understand the implications of non-renewable resources.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

I have tried very hard to be a "good" person.

To live a successful life by societal standards.

I have tried to be a good friend.

I have tried to be a good lover.

I have tried to be many things to many people.

I have sacrificed many things born of my own impulsive desires so that I may continue to live my life for others.

So please, just let me have my occasional cigarette.

Let me have my occasional drink.

Please, let me at least have this.

Friday, May 13, 2011

I have been having such intense dreams lately.

I'm not sure why.

But every day I wake up startled and shocked, as though I have no idea where I am.

The dreams are not necessarily bad.

Just very disturbingly "real."

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

The love and care of others is a privilege of the highest order.

It is perfectly natural to desire this sort of interpersonal human affection.

But it is arrogant to expect it.

The world does not owe you anything.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

I seem to have forgotten to forget...

Saturday, May 7, 2011

"That'll be $1.68."

I handed her the rest of the money in my wallet.

Two dollars.

She stepped back over to the register to retrieve my change.

She moved quickly, and before I was completely aware of the progress of the transaction, I heard the sound of the drawer clicking shut at the end of its linear path and felt the slight metallic chill of the coins that were being dropped into my automatically outstretched hand.

"Do you need a bag?"

"No. Thank you."

I retrieved my item from the counter and turned to leave.

"You're welcome," she responded.

And then her face brightened as she almost melodiously added one extra word.


And I think that I did.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

I'm never hungry anymore.

I don't know why.

Cooking just doesn't seem special when there is no one with whom to share it.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

"You speak German?"


"Say something to me in German."

"Mmm...kussen Sie mich."

"What does that mean?"

"Kiss me."