Thursday, March 10, 2011

I can't be that guy.

All that I really want from life is to be gentle and caring and quietly affectionate.

I can't be that man that I am expected to be.


  1. Not going to get in a philosophical debate with you, but because I am one of those crazy people who you talked about in an earlier post(people around the world believe without evidence that a supreme and all-powerful creator being had to manifest, kill, and physically resurrect himself just to "forgive our sins,")BUT I do NOT think that you are unreasonable and illogical simply for dissenting. We are not all the same- please don't lump us. I don't agree with those people either.
    I think you can be that gentle, caring and affectionate guy you want to be. I see it in your writings. I believe that you were created exactly that way (gentle/caring) and you are stopping yourself by analyzing yourself at every turn. BTW- loving can be scary to anyone because when we love we put ourself out there and are vulnerable. It is easy to get hurt, but oh my....when you do love and are loved- it's so worth it!
    Longer than I wanted this to be but haven't written you in a while. I still check in on you and hope that you are using your Spring Break for something besides engineering :)~.

  2. First of all, thank you for reading and thanks for the comment.

    Secondly, I don't lump anyone. I understand that not everyone considers those who disagree with them unreasonable. Frankly, the post was inspired by several direct accusations made of me, and I was really just venting some frustrations.

    I did not mean to imply that people who happen to believe in a religion are crazy. I apologize if that came across in my tone. I do not think that the religious (in general) are crazy, I just do not think that it is fair to tell someone that they are wrong simply because they are wrong, offer no backup or supporting argument, and then expect to be taken seriously.

    Anyway, I know that I can be "that gentle guy." I can't be anyone else. I've tried, and I can't do it. The problem arises from the public expectation to be "very masculine" all the time and do stereotypical things that "men just do." As much as people try to deny it and say that you can be whoever you want to be, the pressures are still there and it makes things unnecessarily difficult for those who do not fit into the standard model.

    And I would have to disagree that love can be scary. I've experienced love (or at least what I thought was love at the time) several times now, and I've never been frightened by the feeling itself. It's more so this newfound feeling of loss of ability to love that scares me. I think about what I used to have and I don't know what it meant. I can't experience what love meant to me then. It's like a distant sensation that I can't remember that no longer has any place in my life.

    I don't know where to go from here.

    It's...frustrating, to say the least.

    Anyway, sorry to vent on you like that. I just haven't had much contact with people lately, and I've been having trouble writing, so it was definitely nice to get such a caring comment. Thanks again.

  3. Thank you for clarifying for me. It is hard to know what is behind a statement and religion can really complicate things. I agree that as a whole- society stereotypes people based lots of things. Masculine/feminine, fat/thin, skin color, and as you know the list goes on and on. I wish I could say that I didn't do some of that lumping myself- but I'm guilty. I try really hard to not judge people and when I do, I am quick to own up to it, apologize and try to not to do it again. I'm one who has struggled with weight my entire life. I have seen the looks- lazy, dumb, etc. ,etc. It's ironic, that as I have lost the excess weight I am now suddenly more valuable and smarter..... Luckily- I do have people in my life who did not change how they felt about me and I am slow to bring people in who I am now "acceptable" to. I'm sorry for the struggles that you are having. I guess "scary" may have been the wrong word - I agree with your description, it's much clearer- hence, why you are the writer. :) I hope that you will be more in contact with people and perhaps that will also inspire more writing-you write beautifully and so articulately express your feelings. I'm rather envious of that talent. I think of you and your words often and always with a desire for good things for you and your future.

  4. I've found that the people who behave consistently when faced with change are the best kind of people to be around. It's good to hear that you have people like that who are there for you.

    And thank you. That's very kind.