Thursday, March 31, 2011

"Pneumatic" is ostensibly my favorite word in the aggregate of the English lexicon.
I apparently decided last night that the time that I should have spent sleeping would be much better served by staying up all night watching anime and getting drunk off of wine and weeping quietly until my chest hurt.

Not to insinuate that I am surprised in the least, but I feel pretty horrible today.

It is probably safe to say that this was not one of my wisest decisions.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

But Mostly Wine

I paid seventeen dollars for this song yesterday. The rest of the album being excellent was simply a bonus.

"Perfect" is somehow not adequate enough as a descriptor, and I have given up on searching our lexicon for a more fitting term.

Monday, March 28, 2011

I awoke trembling this morning to the sound of rain upon my window.

Liquid remnants of my most recent nightmare slid persistently from my eyes, dampening my pillow as I stared between my open window blinds at the brilliant grey of the overcast morning sky.

For a moment, curled carefully beneath the covers like a frightened child...

But for a moment...

I was happy.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I finally tidied my room up last night.

It feels a lot better.

The space feels more functional.

Much more sterile and inviting.

And yet, this space is so...lonesome.

The emptiness of my bedroom is so blatantly clear now.

The post-apocalyptic quiet of my being.

Tonight I shall seek companionship in the wine.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Pepperoncini are delicious and thunder is beautiful.

Also, I just dipped my hair in hot chocolate.

Wonderful.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I'm glad that I spent most of my life in middle and high school learning how to be okay on my own.

How to entertain myself.

It's a skill that is really starting to come in handy now.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It has been a year.

A year.

12 months.

52 weeks.

365 days.

8,760 hours.

525,600 minutes.

31,536,000 seconds.

94,608,000 movements of my wristwatch.

It has been a year.

Why do you still linger behind my eyelids?

Why does your voice still echo through this silence?

Monday, March 21, 2011

On the contrary, the "meaningless" life is exquisitely beautiful.

It is beautiful in the fact that we have no grand purpose beyond that which we give to ourselves, and yet we are still here.

Life is struggle and conflict and pain, and yet we persist.

We are our own meaning.

And we are magnificent.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

"May the bridges that I burn light the way."
Two nights ago, I was at a bar with some friends of mine, when a girl who was clearly very well inebriated told me without provocation that I have a beautiful jawline.

Comments like that are, at least for me, few and far between.

I thanked her, sincerely.

Then, shortly thereafter, a friend of my friend who had been occupying the seat next to me was on her way outside for a cigarette when she asked me to remind her of my name.

I told her, and she looked at me and then, without warning, she raked the fingers of her right hand through my hair as though she knew that I was uncomfortable and was trying to settle me somehow.

Her hand on my scalp felt good.

Too good.

The sensation was so exciting, and yet I hated every second of it.

I have only ever allowed three people to touch my hair like that, and only one of them really desired to take advantage of the unspoken invitation.

There is the occasional unpermitted infringement, of course, but I am very picky about who I allow to touch me in such an intimate manner.

My scalp is very...sensitive.

I wish that she...

I wish that she hadn't done that.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Earlier, I was on my way down to the bathroom in the engineering building when I ran into a man slightly older than me doing push-ups on the stairs.

He saw me coming, and stood up to allow me passage.

We made eye contact, obviously, and he chuckled and shrugged and said simply, "Hey...gotta work some exercise in somehow, right?"

I chuckled in return and responded with a pleasant "yeah" as I passed the man on the stairs and continued on my way to the restroom.

It was such a simple, random encounter, but something about it seemed to lighten both of our moods a bit.

I can't speak for him, obviously, but he seemed so stiff and uncomfortable upon standing up, as though he had been caught doing something obscene or inappropriate. My non-judgmental smile seemed to relax him, though, and for a moment, we seemed to share a strange, unspoken mutuality in the often suffocating rigors of our field of study.

He needed to move.

I understood that.

His appreciation of this understanding was reflected in the creases of his grin around his eyes.

I don't know how I've survived occupying this windowless building for the majority of the past three years of my life.

I love people so much.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Nuclear power sources are not inherently dangerous.

Poor design and inconsistent upkeep of nuclear power facilities are what make them dangerous.

The solution is simply to be more careful, not to disenfranchise valid alternative energy sources by striking fear and hostility into the minds of an ignorant public.

Monday, March 14, 2011

All that I can think about is how she loved my voice.

I play over and over again in my head the way that she called me gentle.

The way that my hands slid so smoothly over her perfect skin.

The way that she spoke freely to me knowing that I would not take things the wrong way.

The way that she held on to me.

The way that she held on to me as though I actually mattered.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I feel as though I am drowning.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

I finally have a responsibility of my own establishment in this beverage review of mine.

I am really enjoying this.

I think that I have finally found something of which I can not get enough.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

I can't be that guy.

All that I really want from life is to be gentle and caring and quietly affectionate.

I can't be that man that I am expected to be.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

I'm not sure that I know what it means to love anymore.

I don't know that I have the capacity for it.

I am...frightened.

Monday, March 7, 2011

Okay, so you mean to tell me that millions of people around the world believe without evidence that a supreme and all-powerful creator being had to manifest, kill, and physically resurrect himself just to "forgive our sins," and yet I am the one who is called unreasonable and illogical simply for dissenting?

Saturday, March 5, 2011

This constant contest between my rampant desire to create electronic music and my complete lack of ability to do so is going to tear me apart.

This is going to be what ruins me.

I can feel it.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I have recently taken up what many people appropriately refer to as "barefooting."

For the past week or so, I have made every trip across campus barefoot.

It is absolutely fascinating.

There are so many spectacular textures; an entire world of sensory input of which we constantly deprive ourselves.

My heels burn from the accustomization to my newfound liberation, but the sting is worth it.

Walking has become a meditative act; all of my attention becomes focused on monitoring the surfaces beneath my feet.

I can not believe that I have lived for 21 years under the impression that shoes are a natural conclusion of human progress and technology.

Shoes have their place and function, I understand.

Shoes have enabled many facets of our development.

I am not a naturalist.

But this feeling...

This feeling almost makes me want to be.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I need to live somewhere where it rains.

I need to coexist with the water.

I need to coexist with the grey.
Every morning I wake up to the worst misery that I have ever known.

That of opening my eyelids to the distinct lack of her presence.