Thursday, January 27, 2011

Work

The amphetamines are hitting my system harder than usual today.

One of the side effects of these "off" days amounts to what I can only describe as "explosive vision."

One's regular, unaffected vision is already hard enough to describe to external parties, but the simplest way to convey this particular sensation of mine is to say that everything just seems more intense somehow.

It is as though, without trying, I simply "look harder" at things.

My vision does not wander, and I can feel my eyes focusing on their selected subject with an almost physical awareness.

It often seems like I can feel my irises contracting and expanding, opening and closing my biological apertures.

Colors seem to differ more in comparison to each other. They are more vibrant, pronounced, and distinct; more beautiful than they had ever been, as though my retinas simply absorb more than usual of the spectrum of visible energy to which we become so accustomed and indifferent.

The movements of my ocular muscles are more definite; more profound than they are in my typical, unaltered state.

I must admit that I tend to enjoy this part of the medicine.

The less noisy heightened awareness compliments the concentration well.

There are other side effects on days like this that I do not favor, of course; none of them worrisome or unusual for side effects of amphetamines, but all of them inconvenient and exhausting.

There are days that I wish more than anything that I could stop taking the medicine.

Days that I wish that I could be adequate enough for this role without it.

But it has been made very clear to me that I can not.

I used to rebel against this; the idea of admitting defeat and "giving in."

I certainly was not going to let my own mind get the best of me.

But I have moved past that now.

I have seen, regardless of my lingering internal fears and reservations about taking the pills, that I probably would not have been okay without them.

Even with the medication, I feel that I must try harder than most to produce similar results.

My time and being has been utterly consumed by this pursuit: a lifestyle decision that I have willingly accepted as necessary to meet the expectations of my academic and personal life.

I can not truly know how my peers are affected by these expectations.

I do not live their lives.

To assume that it is easier for them would be arrogant.

But I can know how feverishly I work for the things that I achieve.

I can know how much I leave behind; how many countless desires and interests and relationships that I have sacrificed in the name of my work.

How many countless hours of sleep are instead spent completing assignments that others have long since finished.

How many of my once fervent passions have been lost in my ardent conviction to truly earn my academic standing; to truly be educated.

And I do know.

The knowledge of it follows me everywhere.

For some time every night, I lay still and awake in the silence, wondering if this is worth it.

If I am doing the right thing.

But it is, even at the worst of times, more of a thing than I have ever had.

And the amphetamine allows me to do it.

So I will take the medicine.

Without hesitation or complaint, I will take the medicine.

I will do what it takes.

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