Wednesday, December 15, 2010


The alcohol feels good.

The pain does not lessen; that is a lie.

It intensifies.

But my thoughts are clear.

My anxieties strewn about, naked, in front of me, unimpeded by the day's occurrences.

Life is so simple here.

There is nothing but me and this glass; this pen and this paper.

There are no equations.

Inspirations flow freely, but there is no motivation to write.

The bartender replaces my empty Manhattan with a glass of cold water.

I thank him, but not nearly as loudly as I had intended.

He does not hear me.

Do I say it again?


He might have heard me.

My vision darts around the room.

The medication is exiting my system, making for an interesting mix with the effects of the alcohol.

My head swims.

The walls breath with me as I inspect every visible inch of the empty room around me.

Thought comes so easily, but I do not care enough to develop the ideas into anything more than just that: ideas.

Concepts floating unquantified behind my eyes.

The lack of focus stings; a vivid reminder of the chaos that my day to day existence was merely two months ago.

There is still plenty of chaos.

But I don't feel useless anymore.

The bartender places an Old Fashioned on the bar in front of me.

"$2.50," he says patiently.

I have exact change, I'm sure of it. I reach into my coat pocket and curse my disorganization as I fumble around between folded sheets of paper in search of the two alloy disks. Concerned about my lack of haste, I pull the papers out of my pocket, hurling one of the coins across the bar and dropping the other onto the floor.

I am drunk.

For the first time in my life, I am drunk.

The bartender laughs with me: "Well, there's half of it."

I collect the rest of the money and pay the man, making sure that my thanks are audible this time.

I stare into the glass. The amber-hued liquid has leaked all of its initial momentum and settled to a lull at the bottom of the glass.

Why am I here?

Why am I doing this to myself?

Why am I enjoying this feeling so much?

I sit for a moment and watch as the ice absorbs the thermal energy of the fluid around it. I push against the far edge of the brim of the glass, entranced by the liquid as it crawls up the now angled surface.

I have never had bourbon before.

I unconsciously begin to calculate the heat transfer coefficient associated with the natural convection occurring before me.

The sudden chill of the air from the glass against my face dispels the uninvited numbers from my mind as the liquid flows gently over my tongue.

It is absolutely delicious.


  1. No no no no no you can't mix these meds with booze. It intensifies depression and it can cause seziures. It doesn't matter if you took it in the morning that shit stays in your bloodstream for two weeks.

  2. I'm on amphetamines for ADHD.

    It's a stimulant, so the only concern is not feeling the effects of the alcohol as quickly and drinking enough to cause alcohol poisoning. But I don't drink enough at one time for that to even be a concern, anyway. Don't worry, I talked to my pharmacist about it first.