Saturday, December 4, 2010

I hate my existence more and more every day that I spend without her.

Why do I still feel this way?

Why am I still compelled to wait for her?

I am never going to see her again.

The end.

That is all that there is.

Why do I still miss her?

Why can't I get over this?

Everything that I do just makes it worse.


  1. I'm genuinely confused by this post. You seem to be so hurt by a girl. One that no doubt meant a lot to you: a normal reaction. The confusing part lies in that you never mentioned her on this blog. How happy you two might have been. This fact is only furthered by the fact that you never seem to mention happiness at all.
    In your most recent post, you allude to a feeling that is foreign to you: happiness. Surely you were happy to be with this never-before-mentioned 'her'. If not, why do you seem so unhappy without her?

  2. Well allow me to attempt clarify:

    Put simply, I do not talk about happiness on the blog because I am not happy. It would be ludicrous to say that I have never experienced happiness; everybody has. But there is a difference between feeling happy and being happy. I experience things from time to time that offer contentment and comfort and emotions that are typically associated with happiness, but these feelings are always fleeting and I experience them much less powerfully than other emotions. While I can certainly have the capacity for experiencing the emotion, "happiness" as a general mindset is not something to which I have ever been able to relate.

    But I do not necessarily view this as a bad thing. Happiness has, after years of struggling to come to grips with my reality, been replaced by other more pertinent and all-encompassing emotions.

    That being said, I do not know that it is necessarily correct to say that she made me happy. I was happy about our time together and I was happy to have her in my life, but was I happy while (I must note that "while" in this case differs in connotation from "when") I was with her? No.

    It is not something that I experience, and I am okay with that. But just because happiness is not something that I view as a goal for my life does not mean that the void left by its absence can not grow larger. There are gaps left by the memories of better times that must be filled by newer and more lasting emotional experiences.

    And I had my reasons for never mentioning her at the time. I understand that the brevity of some of my posts would point to the contrary, but I do not share every aspect of my personal life.

    Anyway, I hope that this clarifies things. If nothing else, I appreciate the prompt to put these feelings into words. Motivation can be scarce sometimes. Thanks for the feedback.