Saturday, October 30, 2010

I started a new medication for my ADHD two days ago.

I haven't been on medication for almost eight years now.

So far, it's been an incredible decision. I have been getting my work done. I have been able to focus.

I had a moment two days ago while doing some design homework. It occured to me that I had not updated my twitter recently. I started to reach for my phone to do so, but did not, and got right back to work, pushing the distraction from my mind.

I know that that may seem like such a stupid thing to many people, but to me, it was a powerful enough relief to move me to tears in the middle of the school's dining hall.

The idea of just sitting down and getting something done is a very new concept to me.

My assignments no longer seem like such a death sentence anymore.

For seven years, I have lived without focus.

For seven years, I have left projects unfinished.

For seven years, I have not been able to concentrate on one thing at a time.

For seven years, I have looked at the students around me and wondered why it seems so much more manageable to them.

For seven years, I have put up with this unique, terrible hell in which I have simply been wandering, floundering, and just generally dicking around against my will.

But maybe now...

Maybe now, if everything holds out okay, I can live up to the potential that I often feel within myself.

There are definitely some side effects that I need to keep monitoring for these first few weeks.

But so far my only regret is having waited so long to talk to somebody about this.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I am so tired all the time now.

I wish that I could enjoy sleep like everyone else.

But even my best dreams are still haunted by this insanity.
I have learned so much, yet known so little.

I hate the phrase "spending time."

It only serves as fuel for my anxiety.
I need to make electronic music.

I have felt this way for years now.

I have never been so strongly and consistently called to something.

It is just frustrating knowing that it could be years before I can afford to properly delve into it.

Monday, October 25, 2010

It is a beautifully overcast day outside, and I am stuck inside of a windowless classroom building.

I don't know why they thought that it was appropriate to design a class building in which none of the rooms have windows. Especially since most of us stay in here for hours and hours at a time.

I drove a friend of mine home yesterday after working on a project all evening, and after I dropped her off, I really drove for the first time in a while.

For the first time since I got pulled over this summer, I drove without once looking at the dashboard.

It was so liberating.


Sunday, October 24, 2010

These are the years that people are beautiful.

Let's waste them away with philosophy and mathematics.
I barely even remember what it feels like.

Part of me is frustrated to no end by this fact.

But maybe it's better this way.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

I went to a house party last night.

It was pretty crazy.

I didn't wake up until 1:20 PM today, which felt absolutely disgusting, but I had been awake for over 48 hours before falling asleep at 4 AM last night, so I guess it makes sense.

At this party, I had an interesting experience.

Just for reference purposes, I have a lot of gay friends, and I was one of the few straight people at this party.

So I was sitting on the couch with some people, when this girl who I had met earlier in the evening but not said a word to since came up to me, halfway sat down on the couch next to me (she was sitting on her knee facing me), and asked, "Are you straight."

"Yes," I replied, almost a little bluntly.

She hesitated for the smallest of a fraction of a second, and proceeded to ask, "Okay. How big is your dick?"

I was, one could say, a little surprised at the forwardness of the question. At a loss for words, I did not answer right away.

It's not so much that I did not want to tell her. I am not ashamed of the biology that I have been assigned, and she was clearly drunk enough to posit, with absolute sincerity, such personal discussions to a person whom she had never met before in her life. But there are some facets of my life that I just prefer to keep private.

After a short time, I answered with, "Who needs to know?"

"______ is over there in the back room, and she wanted to ask you but didn't want to do it herself. Would you like to meet her?"

I was pretty sure that we were on the same wavelength concerning the meaning of the term "meet" in this discussion.

I took another minute, during which she asked me again if I'd like to "meet" her, and I eventually just decided to be honest and said, "Well...I'm not about to have sex tonight, if that is what 'meet' means right now."

She just looked at me for a second, and then just nodded her head and said, "Oh...okay. Well..."

And then we just kinda sat there in awkwardness for a minute, after which I just resumed conversation with the friends I had been talking to. Then she simply got up and walked away.

I think that it's fair to say that that was one of the most surreal interchanges of my recent history.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I don't really understand how one can be perfectly fine with alcohol and its subsequent effects and yet be utterly revulsed by the idea of narcotics.

I do not necessarily condone the use of narcotics, but I also have a difficult time condoning applied doublethink.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

I am myself, not someone else.

I am myself, not someone else.

I am myself, not someone else.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I feel sick.

The state of my life is beginning to settle in.

The reality caused by the choices that I have made are starting to hit me; one after another, in rapid succession.

I feel like throwing up.

Or, maybe it's the fact that tonight I have eaten an end of a loaf of bread, a bag of salsa verde tortilla chips, and a can of weird organic vegetable soup, each an hour apart.

I think that I'm going to say that that is the true culprit here.

I want some ice cream...
This week is going to kill me.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

If anybody out there knows where I might be able to get a copy of Myst IV or Myst V on the cheap, please send me an email at this address.

I would really appreciate it, as they are crazy expensive and I must play them.

Friday, October 15, 2010

I finished Ergo Proxy two nights ago.

It was really, really good.

I highly recommend it.

In other news, it's fall break and I don't care.

I just want the school work to start back up so that I have something to do.

This boredom only makes the emptiness of my bedroom more apparent.

And my money from working all summer is not holding out too well, so it's harder for me to go out and do things with people, because at this age, "free outings" can be quite rare.

My currently non-replenishing alcohol supply is running low, too.

But I'm sure that my friends will be happy about that.

Apparently people think that I'm an alcoholic.

Is it because I know how to mix a few drinks? Is that weird for a college student? Should I just down the Bud Light like everyone else? Then I'd just be a normal college student who gets drunk every other night at some party and not an alcoholic who has maybe two small drinks a week in the comfort of his own home, right?

If that is the problem, then I'm pretty confused, because it's sure as hell not an issue when the drink is being mixed for you.

I just don't understand why people "joke around" all the time about me having a problem just because I admit to enjoying alcoholic beverages. Everybody that drinks them enjoys them. They're lying to you if they pretend like they don't. And how is it better if somebody hates what they are drinking and is drinking it solely for the effects?

Why am I an "alcoholic" because I am capable of enjoying a drink on my own from time to time?

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Taking off one's clothes and getting in bed before the evening's responsibilities are satisfied is always a bad idea.

Also, I've developed a system based on some observations about myself:

Anime does not get watched during the day and books do not get read at night.

Therefore, anime gets watched at night and books get read first thing in the morning.

Homework and video games can suck it.

Except homework rules my life and it is all that I do.

So that's actually not true at all.


Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Here's your answer

A student died at a football game this past weekend because he got run over during a post-game temper tantrum between he and a fan of the other team.

According to police, he and the other fan got out of their cars and began fighting, after which he was knocked onto the ground where the friend that he had been riding with accidentally ran him over as he pulled into the median.

This is disgusting.

This is fucking disgusting.

There is something wrong with society when people allow themselves to get so upset about a GOD DAMN SPORTING EVENT that people's lives are put at risk.

Or, as in this case, taken.

They were arguing because of a football game, and a man died.

Somebody's son died Saturday night because of a football game.

Two individuals have to live with guilt and regret for the rest of their lives because of a football game.

A young man will never have the chance to realize his potential because of a football game.

And the most despicable part of it to me is that fact that our school newspaper dedicated pretty much the entirety of yesterday's paper to talking about USC's "huge victory." It was not until today that they even mentioned the event, and even then they barely did anything but say what the police think happened and offer an email to anyone with more details on the event. I understand that they may be waiting for more details, but I feel like this needs to be more of a big deal.

A man died this weekend, and talking about the score of the game was more important.

People always ask me why I don't like sports.

This is why I don't like sports.

This is precisely why I don't like sports.

Monday, October 11, 2010

I don't know where I am anymore.

As I learn more and more about the world around me, my grip on reality just seems to grow ever weaker.

It's counterintuitive, I know.

But the more I learn about the way that things actually are and the way that things actually work, the more disappointing my senses become.

Knowing what actually happens compared to what I physically experience makes my body feel so overwhelmingly feeble at times.

Shit dun' be crazy.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

I could really just use a hug.

A hug would be nice right now.
Gay people know how to have a good time.

I have so much more fun hanging out with my gay friends than with my straight friends.

It's just nice to be around people who aren't constantly judging you.

It's nice to be around people who don't care about you "saying the wrong thing" or "playing the male friendship game" wrong.

It's just nice to be able to relax every now and then and not have to pretend like I enjoy football.


Thursday, October 7, 2010

"I am myself, not someone else. I know how strange it was; I remember. And I know my memories can be treacherous. But of this memory, I am certain."

Ergo Proxy is one of my new favorite animes. It is bursting with quietly fascinating atmosphere.

It is subtle, and you have to concentrate to really pick up on a lot of it's nuances, but the feeling that this series invokes in me is incredible.

The art is also absolutely beautiful, and the writing is superb. Check it out, for sure.
I have been doing work for three weeks straight.

This is killing me.

The only time that I have for anything is when I am putting something off that I'll have to stay up all night to finish later.

I don't even know if I want to do this anymore.

Engineering is interesting, but the idea of being a corporate tool is a horrifying notion.

I've decided that physics is not a realistic goal for me.

I am not smart enough.

Conceptually, I understand it, but I have such a hard time focusing myself well enough to do the math.

I just don't think that it's a good fit.

But I'm starting to feel like engineering isn't either.

I don't know...I hope that I'm wrong.

I hope that it's just the stress...

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The construct is just barely there.

It doesn't even seem real to me anymore.

Did it ever actually happen?

Did you actually happen to me?

How could I know?

I want to believe that it was real, but the memory seems so distant and faded.

No less meaningful, but like a scene out of a movie that I saw a long time ago.

And yet, those words...

Those words that were whispered so gently to me on the exhale of a breath.

Those soft, hedonistic words that so barely made it past my eardrums in the spectacular non-illumination of that distant spring evening.

Those words resonate through my memory with a sharper intensity than anything that I have ever heard.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Oh my goodness, are they really making a Myst movie?

I really, really hope that this is true.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

I am simultaneously amazed and frustrated that my body always seems to manage to stay one half-step ahead of the exhaustion.