Monday, March 22, 2010

I've been sleeping fitfully lately.

Every night for the past week and a half, I've been waking up mid-morning, physically uncomfortable and unable to fall back into sleep.

Something is wrong. I don't know what.

There is something missing. Something that doesn't belong to me. Something that I wish did belong to me. Something of which I could cling tight to my breast and never let go.

That missing piece. That something whose ethereal presence has been made shockingly clear to me many times over, but still refuses to show itself.

That something that heightens my awareness. That something that makes me aware of individual droplets of water falling from the faucet as they explode across my back and neck. That something that slows down time behind my eyes and forces me to envision every detail of a system in motion.

That something that leaves me gasping for air in the humidity of my morning shower. That something that causes my chest to ache under its own imagined weight as I stare at my ceiling every night, wondering why I can't close my eyes. That something that stops my breath.

That something that is slipping through my fingers like the finest desert sands. That something whose silken embrace I feel momentarily as it rushes past my hands and into this endless, laughing abyss right in front of me. That something that leaves me on my knees with my arms held uselessly limp at my sides and tears welling in my burning eyes.

That stupid, nagging, infinitely crucial something.

1 comment:

  1. Mmmm, I wonder what that is. You need to find that missing piece? Whenever I feel like that, it is usually because there is something missing, and that something is (for me) knowing that what I'm doing is going to lead me to where I want to be, sometimes that something is contentment, sometimes that something is the ability to know everything and be able to grasp anything with a snap of a finger, sometimes that something is someone... I guess we all go through these frustrating missing piece every now and then. I hate them!