Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I hate this place.

This place that I am in.

I am not happy.

When did I become unhappy?

I'm not sure.

It needs to be cold.

I recently bought a 300 dollar winter coat (it was marked down from that, of course) that I'll probably never get to wear.

When did I become unhappy?

I don't know.

I feel so unattractive. And boring. And angry.

I'm not sure where this anger comes from.

But every little thing sets off an internal combustive reaction that is becoming increasingly harder and harder to contain within myself with each new instance.

Why have I become unhappy?

I have no idea.

I miss Baltimore.

I look around me and everyday I see happy people. People who know each other. People who love each other. People who understand each other.

Every time I "put myself out there," I just embarrass myself. Or say something stupid. Or people just stare at me when I talk as thought they don't understand a word that I'm saying and are just waiting for me to finish. Or I propose an opinion that resonates with no one.

I feel so uninteresting.

I spend every day boiling in my own putrid, disgusting, and chaotic thoughts.

Some of them are constructive.

But most of them are just out of control.

I want it to be cold.

That bracing chill against my face.

I long for that sensation again.

When did I become unhappy?

I don't care.

2 comments:

  1. today was unbearably awful.
    i know exactly how you feel.

    i'm just so tired.

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  2. I'm sure this doesn't help, but I've been there many times :/
    I know exactly what you mean and understand every word. It sucks, and I don't really know what to say except that there will be good days, whether few or many, there are always good days.

    ReplyDelete