Friday, October 2, 2009

Exhaustion

I am so tired.

I am tired of failing to live up to people's expectations. I am tired of staying up all night studying, and failing the test anyway. I am tired of not being able to concentrate on anything. I am tired of summing numbers in my head every time I see a street address or telephone number. I am tired of waking up sick to my stomach from lack of sleep. I am tired of waking up to back and/or muscular pain. I am tired of having music in my head and no way to express it to others. I am tired of getting three hours of sleep per night. When I can actually fall asleep promptly, that is. I am tired of fantasizing about the tools and mechanics of my own demise. I am tired of knowing that I'd never be able to take my own life, but wishing that something else would. I am tired of dreaming about hurting others. I am tired of the anger. I am tired of the crushing sadness. I am tired of the apathy. I am tired of not finding passion in anything. I am tired of not being able to make decisions of any kind in a timely fashion, including but not limited to things as simple as which video game to play or which flavor of Kool-Aid to mix up next. I am tired of this tension in the back of my neck. I am tired of people not understanding what I mean when I say that I dislike lyrics in music. I am tired of people thinking that my music is outlandish and strange. I am tired of occasionally collapsing in my room after returning from class because I don't have the energy to stand. I am tired of pretending like I have a happy and easy-going personality when I meet someone or run into an acquaintance. I am tired of being a nobody. I miss having friends. I miss Baltimore. I miss the days when people actually cared enough to spend time with me or, hell, even write me an e-mail. I miss the days of having something in common with my peers. I am tired of never having any energy. I am tired of struggling to muster up the willpower to pull myself to my elbows in the morning. I am tired of worrying about rationing out my money, and knowing that I really don't have time for a job. I am tired of all of this work work work work work I am doing for engineering so that one day I can get out and get a good job with a good company and design good and wonderful and enriching things for them and get no lasting credit. I am tired of how people jump to my aid when I post something depressing, but once it has "passed" they don't bother checking in. Or ever talking to me again, for that matter. I am tired of being the only one I know who is really actually interested in science. I am tired of people humoring me when I talk about mechanics or materials (or mechanics of materials). I am tired of feeling embarrassed after explaining a concept and realizing that the people or person who I am talking to doesn't really care and now I just look like a big dumb geek. I am tired of football culture. I AM TIRED OF THIS STATE AND ITS HORRIBLE WEATHER. I am tired of being the odd one out in college because I don't give a shit about sporting events and who's playing who and what rank "my" team is in the national bracket. I am tired of not being able to drink cold beverages right now because of tooth problems. I am tired of doing math. I miss having meaningful friendships. I miss bonding with people. I miss knowing people who I felt needed me in their life as much as I needed them in mine. I am tired of getting headaches. I am tired of not eating consistently. I am terrified because I can feel my ADD resurfacing like an atomic submarine, and I do not want to go back on meds. I am terrified because I can feel my depression resurfacing like a whale, and I do not want to go back on meds. I am terrified because I can feel my anxiety issues developing at the rate of an infant fly, and I do not want to go on meds.

I am just so tired.

But I really love driving. I am tired of how expensive gas is. But I really love driving. I should probably try to do more of that.

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