Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Okay, so I'm going to depart form my usual and do a more serious blog today. Just fair warning. But anyway, as some of you (and now all of you) know, I went to Warped Tour in Charlotte, NC on the fourteenth. Between then and now, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what direction I would like to see it assume.
I suppose I will start with the frustrations that brought this train of thought about in the first place. I am a very frustrated individual. There are lots of things that I want to run around and do like many other teenagers, but I know I can't. I want to get tattoos. I want piercings. I want to have sex. I want to drive my car fast and not care about the consequences. I want to dye my hair. I want to play my music obnoxiously loud just to see the reactions it elicits from strangers. I want to drink. I want to not give a shit what people think. Hell, I even want to smoke a pipe. But I can't. And it's frustrating. A lot of people would say, “Well, in fact, Hayden, you can. You just need to lighten up and enjoy your youth.” But it's not that easy. It's not that I'm letting my values and ideologies get in the way of my happiness. I just know that this is not who I am. I've always been a conflicted person. My body screams for me to do things that I know would be carnally satisfying and that I know I would enjoy and probably (probably) not regret later, but my mind severely impedes the physical enactment of these desires. My mind tells me that this is not what I really want. It tells me, without my permission, that this is not who I am. I do not really want to do those things. It's the most aggravating paradox. I want to do them, but I don't. Warped Tour (as well as an intense conversation with a good friend of mine afterwards) really got me thinking about a lot of these things.
During my time at Warped, I saw a lot of interesting hair, and a lot of even more interesting piercings, some of which I thought were tasteful, and some of which I knew would limit the wearer's future career to either being that of a tattoo/piercing artist or that of a criminal. Warped helped me realize that I'm trying to be part of the wrong crowd. I don't belong with these people. There are things that I want from life. Things that I will not be able to achieve by getting tattoos of Satan all over my body or gauging my ears up so large that the lobes swing parallel to the ground when I turn my head. I want success. I want to do great things. I want to impress people. I want to be remembered by others for something other than the extreme color of my hair. I have thought seriously about dying my hair, and I still may, but I'm scared. Not because I'm afraid of change, but because I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I want the attention that colored hair would draw, but I want it because of the qualities of my mind and actions, not because of the color of my hair. I want to be noticed because of who I am and what I do, not because of how radical I am. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which it is becoming increasingly harder and harder to be noticed without visually standing out. My mom always said, "If you want to stand out, be outstanding." Of course, I always scoffed and laughed and rolled my eyes at that, but I'm starting to agree with it more and more as I grow older.
I want a woman, too. I want somebody who will love me more than anyone else loves me. I want something real, though. I want a woman who really loves me for me. Not a woman who loves me because of my hair or because I rock hard and punch people at shows or because I “fuck the system” harder than everyone else. I just want a normal, loving relationship that is built on trust, compassion, and effort. The twice proceeding line brings me to the point of this blog. I don’t want to fuck the system. I want to be part of it. I really, truly want to be part of “the system.” I want to lead a “normal” life and settle down and have children. I want a “normal” wife who I can love more than myself and who will, in turn, love me more than herself. I don’t want to have to worry about my significant other leaving me for someone who has more extreme hair or cooler, more rebellious tattoos. I could talk on and on about what I want from a woman…but that’s a topic for another day. I want to be successful without having to destroy others. I know I can’t be successful without being driven and aggressive, but I don’t want to be successful at somebody else’s expense. I want to contribute something to the world. I want to do something that will impact lives. I want to do something greater than myself. I want to provide for my future children, but not just materially. But in order to do all this, I have to be part of “the system.” And you know, what? I’ve thought about it, and I don’t even mind. In fact, I believe that the system is there for a reason. The system protects us from each other and keeps things in line. All of the rockers that walk around and scream “anarchy” and think they’re all rebellious and tough don’t understand what that word really means. Anarchy would be worse than hell, and we all know it. The system is here to keep us from tearing each other apart. We would not survive without the system, and I find comfort in that. I want a normal life. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life, wondering if everything is going to be okay. Wondering if my wife loves me or if she loves the piercings. Wondering if I’ll ever find a decent job with the tattoos I have. Wondering if people judge me. Wondering why I feel like I have to be extreme to be noticed by people.
I want people to look at me and judge me by the impact I have had on the lives of others, not by my extreme appearance. It’s important that I say this, though. I do not think that young people need to worry so much about their future that they can’t enjoy the present. Please do not get me wrong. I fully support taking advantage of your youth. Have fun, do crazy shit, experiment. It's the only way to really learn for yourself. But for God’s sake, be careful. Don't do anything that could potentially destroy your future. I’m just getting to the point in my life where I’m going to have to take responsibility and act upon my sentiments and start leading a life of my own. I’ve been alive for almost two decades, and it scares the shit out of me. That’s a fourth of my life. Warped Tour also helped me realize how old I really am because I saw a lot of older people there, and none of them looked or acted like somebody that I would look up to, and I certainly wouldn’t want my future children looking up to these people. I don’t want to be like that. I want to contribute to society in a positive manner. I want people to acknowledge me out of respect, not shock or fear.
It’s frustrating, though. I don’t want to waste my youth worrying about this. I just want to skip ahead a few years.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind lately. Here's a picture to change the mood a bit. I think it's an accurate depiction of my face during the contemplation of this topic.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
My favorite part is the exclamation point.
"Handle with care, DAMN IT!"
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go sit in my room and smile until it comes out.