Wednesday, September 10, 2008
So I guess that's all from me for now.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Anyway, that's about all for today. I've got some other pictures to post over the next few days, so expect a few imminent updates.
Monday, August 18, 2008
But anyway, I am back at USC for the school year, and it feels great. I am in an apartment style dorm, which consists of a living area and sub rooms off of the main living area. It's really nice. So far I've just been chilling out with some people I know, playing games, and basically doing nothing. Enjoying the time I have off before classes start. It rained today, and I just sat in the common room eating a turkey, cheese, cilantro, and mustard sandwich, talking to one of my room mates, and watching the rain. It was glorious. I haven't been able to just watch the rain in a long time.
Anyway, some friends of mine made a couple podcasts the other day, and I am in the process of building a website to post them on, so that should be finished in a couple of days.
And about my previous post. I am going to continue with the blog. I think that day I was just having a hard time with my depression and I fell into a horrible mood and took it out on the blog. But I am going to continue as long as I have at least a few people interested.
Anyway, that's all for now. More about the room and school and all later.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Why do I think that my opinion matters so much that I post it for the world to see?
Does anybody even read it?
I just feel like this is a stupid waste. I know what I think, and if nobody's going to read my blog, there's no point in writing it down.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
In the meantime, here's another picture.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Okay, so I'm going to depart form my usual and do a more serious blog today. Just fair warning. But anyway, as some of you (and now all of you) know, I went to Warped Tour in Charlotte, NC on the fourteenth. Between then and now, I have been doing a lot of thinking about my life and what direction I would like to see it assume.
I suppose I will start with the frustrations that brought this train of thought about in the first place. I am a very frustrated individual. There are lots of things that I want to run around and do like many other teenagers, but I know I can't. I want to get tattoos. I want piercings. I want to have sex. I want to drive my car fast and not care about the consequences. I want to dye my hair. I want to play my music obnoxiously loud just to see the reactions it elicits from strangers. I want to drink. I want to not give a shit what people think. Hell, I even want to smoke a pipe. But I can't. And it's frustrating. A lot of people would say, “Well, in fact, Hayden, you can. You just need to lighten up and enjoy your youth.” But it's not that easy. It's not that I'm letting my values and ideologies get in the way of my happiness. I just know that this is not who I am. I've always been a conflicted person. My body screams for me to do things that I know would be carnally satisfying and that I know I would enjoy and probably (probably) not regret later, but my mind severely impedes the physical enactment of these desires. My mind tells me that this is not what I really want. It tells me, without my permission, that this is not who I am. I do not really want to do those things. It's the most aggravating paradox. I want to do them, but I don't. Warped Tour (as well as an intense conversation with a good friend of mine afterwards) really got me thinking about a lot of these things.
During my time at Warped, I saw a lot of interesting hair, and a lot of even more interesting piercings, some of which I thought were tasteful, and some of which I knew would limit the wearer's future career to either being that of a tattoo/piercing artist or that of a criminal. Warped helped me realize that I'm trying to be part of the wrong crowd. I don't belong with these people. There are things that I want from life. Things that I will not be able to achieve by getting tattoos of Satan all over my body or gauging my ears up so large that the lobes swing parallel to the ground when I turn my head. I want success. I want to do great things. I want to impress people. I want to be remembered by others for something other than the extreme color of my hair. I have thought seriously about dying my hair, and I still may, but I'm scared. Not because I'm afraid of change, but because I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons. I want the attention that colored hair would draw, but I want it because of the qualities of my mind and actions, not because of the color of my hair. I want to be noticed because of who I am and what I do, not because of how radical I am. Unfortunately, we live in a world in which it is becoming increasingly harder and harder to be noticed without visually standing out. My mom always said, "If you want to stand out, be outstanding." Of course, I always scoffed and laughed and rolled my eyes at that, but I'm starting to agree with it more and more as I grow older.
I want a woman, too. I want somebody who will love me more than anyone else loves me. I want something real, though. I want a woman who really loves me for me. Not a woman who loves me because of my hair or because I rock hard and punch people at shows or because I “fuck the system” harder than everyone else. I just want a normal, loving relationship that is built on trust, compassion, and effort. The twice proceeding line brings me to the point of this blog. I don’t want to fuck the system. I want to be part of it. I really, truly want to be part of “the system.” I want to lead a “normal” life and settle down and have children. I want a “normal” wife who I can love more than myself and who will, in turn, love me more than herself. I don’t want to have to worry about my significant other leaving me for someone who has more extreme hair or cooler, more rebellious tattoos. I could talk on and on about what I want from a woman…but that’s a topic for another day. I want to be successful without having to destroy others. I know I can’t be successful without being driven and aggressive, but I don’t want to be successful at somebody else’s expense. I want to contribute something to the world. I want to do something that will impact lives. I want to do something greater than myself. I want to provide for my future children, but not just materially. But in order to do all this, I have to be part of “the system.” And you know, what? I’ve thought about it, and I don’t even mind. In fact, I believe that the system is there for a reason. The system protects us from each other and keeps things in line. All of the rockers that walk around and scream “anarchy” and think they’re all rebellious and tough don’t understand what that word really means. Anarchy would be worse than hell, and we all know it. The system is here to keep us from tearing each other apart. We would not survive without the system, and I find comfort in that. I want a normal life. I don’t want to have to look over my shoulder for the rest of my life, wondering if everything is going to be okay. Wondering if my wife loves me or if she loves the piercings. Wondering if I’ll ever find a decent job with the tattoos I have. Wondering if people judge me. Wondering why I feel like I have to be extreme to be noticed by people.
I want people to look at me and judge me by the impact I have had on the lives of others, not by my extreme appearance. It’s important that I say this, though. I do not think that young people need to worry so much about their future that they can’t enjoy the present. Please do not get me wrong. I fully support taking advantage of your youth. Have fun, do crazy shit, experiment. It's the only way to really learn for yourself. But for God’s sake, be careful. Don't do anything that could potentially destroy your future. I’m just getting to the point in my life where I’m going to have to take responsibility and act upon my sentiments and start leading a life of my own. I’ve been alive for almost two decades, and it scares the shit out of me. That’s a fourth of my life. Warped Tour also helped me realize how old I really am because I saw a lot of older people there, and none of them looked or acted like somebody that I would look up to, and I certainly wouldn’t want my future children looking up to these people. I don’t want to be like that. I want to contribute to society in a positive manner. I want people to acknowledge me out of respect, not shock or fear.
It’s frustrating, though. I don’t want to waste my youth worrying about this. I just want to skip ahead a few years.
Anyway, that's what's been on my mind lately. Here's a picture to change the mood a bit. I think it's an accurate depiction of my face during the contemplation of this topic.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
My favorite part is the exclamation point.
"Handle with care, DAMN IT!"
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go sit in my room and smile until it comes out.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
So I shook it off, got up, and went to work.
I saw her driving today. I was on my way back home from Sonic, and I saw her as she was turning into a shopping center.
She was beautiful. Beautiful as she always was. I was captivated.
And for a second.
For the first time in months.
Just for a second.
My mind was calm.
It made me physically ill.
Monday, June 2, 2008
But anyway, onto other things.
Okay, there are no other things. I'm back home now, with my first year of college behind me, and now I'm just sitting around doing nothing and more nothing with work in between. I made a 3.9 overall GPA for the year, which is pretty good considering that I thought I was going to fail two of my classes this past semester. I also just got accepted into the Honors College, which I guess is good. I'm going to have to take more classes, but it'll make things easier when it comes to getting into and getting money for graduate school later on.
I still miss her.
I've also recently bought GTA4 for teh PS3, so if any of you have it and would like to partake in some online hooliganism, send me your PSN name in an e-mail. Also, anyone with Brawl who wants to play online sometime can also send me their friend code in an e-mail. Anyone who has neither game but still wants to talk, feel free to send me an e-mail as well.
Ten more days until MGS4. I've never been more excited for a game in my life. The only time I remember being this excited for a game was when Windwaker was about to come out.
Thursday, April 3, 2008
I don't understand.
I'm starting to feel like being in a relationship is like standing on the beach holding a chemically unstable white phosphorus grenade in your teeth with the pin tied to a kite during a hurricane. No matter what I do, it always seems to end up being in vain, because for one reason or another, the girl eventually changes her mind. I just...I dunno. I don't know if it's worth it anymore. I don't know what to do. I can't even just get on with my life this time. I loved this girl so much. More than she or anyone else will ever know. I've said "I love you" to girls before, but I was young(er) and stupid. This is the first time that I've really truly meant it. I just wish her feelings had stayed the same.
I miss her so much...
But enough of my emo bitching. I'll be okay one day. Besides, this was supposed to be a blog about poop. I'm not going to beat around the bush here, I've been having a problem with rectal bleeding for the past two weeks. It's embarrassing, yes, but it's also the source of today's product picture. That statement has soooo much negative potential. I promise it's clean. But anyway, I went to the health center on campus, where they did a rectal exam and drew some blood. For those of you who have never had a rectal exam, pray to God that you never have to. It's the most invasive and humiliating thing I've ever experienced at the doctor. Anyway, they couldn't figure out what was wrong at the health center, so they sent me to the ER, where I spent the next seven hours (four of which I spent with an IV in my arm). I went to the health center at 2:30 and wasn't released from the ER until 11:30. Anyway, at the ER, they did yet another rectal exam, drew about four times more blood than the health center, and did a cat scan. Anyway, the doctor came to the conclusion that it was an internal hemorrhoid (since I wasn't experiencing any pain), told it would probably go away on it's own in a few days, and to follow up with the gastroenterologist. So I've been taking stool softeners for the past few days, and the bleeding has stopped, but the doctor at the follow up told me he wanted to do a camera-up-the-butt exam to check for polyps just to rule out other potentially dangerous problems. Like colon cancer. That kind of worries me a bit, but I'm sure it's just a hemorrhoid. I hope to God it's just a hemorrhoid. I'm not looking forward to the camera test. He said it's pretty uncomfortable and that it takes about fifteen minutes, but that he would walk me through it will be over as soon as the camera is out, so maybe it won't be so bad? Yes it will. But he's a pretty cool guy. Of all the people that could be snooping around in my ass, he's probably one of the more favorable ones.
So, now that I've talked forever, on to the picture. I mentioned the stool softeners I'm taking earlier. I was just looking at the bottle a minute ago, and I thought that this was pretty funny. It's almost like the company is joking around with their own product here. But, like reading rainbow, don't take my word for it. Here's a picture:
Yup...and they work, too. But that's enough from my mind today. TTFN.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
We thought that there was something suspicious about the whole thing here, so we did some research and found out that the Canadian government just made it mandatory for all cigarette companies to put highly visible health warnings on the packages. Although I support their efforts to cut down on smoking, I think that this is kind of outrageous. Just look at some more of this stuff:
This is effectively the most self-defeating packaging I've ever seen. I think most people realize that cigarettes are not good for you. People smoke because they want to. Is all this really necessary? I dunno. I just find it really funny that there are directions on how to quit smoking in a box of smokes. It's very possible the most paradoxical thing I've ever seen.
Saturday, February 23, 2008
all think that the whole world cares to hear our opinions on things so much that we slap them up on the internet for everyone to see. It's an interesting societal attitude that's developed over the past few years. Anyway, tah tah for now.